I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
