I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
