i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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