Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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