i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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