Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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