Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
