Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
