Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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