Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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