I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
