These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
