he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize