The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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