He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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