You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
