If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she told me i tasted like america
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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