I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
ttyl tear gas
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
