I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
