Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
