somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
