I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I stole a fireplace last night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
