Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
