did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
