Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
