I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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