I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I need a hoe opinion
go on
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
