I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
