So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
