You just made me feel so damn special
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
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He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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