I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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