Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
