Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
