Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
