for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
