If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
