i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
