It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
