didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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