I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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