dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
