Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
