When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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