This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
