Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
