she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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