I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
