Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
