Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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