it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
