Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
