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remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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