and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
