Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
