he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
